Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5823820 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13325 on: August 11, 2019, 11:48:45 PM »
Yep, Gary... I even refer to my power bill as 'Current Affairs'  :grin
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13326 on: August 12, 2019, 12:07:07 AM »
Man in confession to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it will free your face of that dirty grin.”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13327 on: August 12, 2019, 02:39:00 AM »
Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging Experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth, at a rate of about two centimetres a year.

If you perform a regression, you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 7 metres.

...  which, if you think about it, would explain why the dinosaurs died out (well, the tall ones anyway).
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13328 on: August 12, 2019, 02:46:57 AM »
Metric or Imperial?

In metric, one millilitre of water occupies one cubic centimetre, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point.

Whereas in the American system, the answer to:- "How much energy does it take to boil a room-temperature gallon of water?" is:-
‘Go f*** yourself!,’ ... because you can’t directly relate to any of those quantities.”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13329 on: August 12, 2019, 02:52:31 AM »
A joiner makes sure that whatever he makes, fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimetre.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimetre.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimetre.

If a painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
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Offline Gadget

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13330 on: August 12, 2019, 08:22:55 AM »
A joiner makes sure that whatever he makes, fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimetre.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimetre.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimetre.

If a painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
I used to work with gauge blocks which were accurate to microns.

And we had surface flats which showed lines if flatness (light to dark) to 13 thousandths of an inch, so you could measure flatness to 6.5 thousands of an inch.

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Gary
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13331 on: August 12, 2019, 09:51:18 AM »
But can you paint?
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13332 on: August 12, 2019, 01:37:04 PM »
I have never tried. My name is Murphy, not Picasso
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13333 on: August 12, 2019, 01:57:26 PM »
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, by wrapping wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13334 on: August 12, 2019, 02:01:28 PM »
Enjoy Your Sunday

Husband: "Today is Sunday, and I have decided to enjoy myself, so i bought 3 movie tickets!"

Wife: "Why three?"

Husband: "For you and your parents."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13335 on: August 12, 2019, 04:11:35 PM »
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said.

   1. They don’t like me
   2. I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.

   1. You’re 59 years old
   2. You’re the pastor!”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13336 on: August 12, 2019, 05:52:35 PM »
You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass, and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

 One has a soul filled with hope.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13337 on: August 12, 2019, 10:01:34 PM »
A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrolling through his cycle of apps and feeds. As he is about to get up and go back to work, he looks over at the monk, who is quietly gazing across the park.

"It strikes me, how peaceful you look without a phone in your hand," he voiced suddenly, having a moment of introspection. "I and everyone else I know have a constant stream of work, social, and entertainment content direct in our hands basically all the time, and for what? I feel like by looking from one funny picture to the next snap or whatever, I've skipped the last 15 minutes, and yet here you are taking it in. You are experiencing life to the fullest! "

The monk opens his mouth to speak, but the techie isn't done with his deep thinking." I mean, I can't actually tell you one thing that I just looked at! Not one! I laughed a couple times and learned a few useless facts, but man, it's all gone. I guess you didn't see anything new while we were sitting here either, but does it really matter, if I can't remember anything anyway? It's like a constant stream of pointless content that takes my time, instead of using it, you know?"

The monk waits for him to finish, then smiles. "Son, my battery is dead. "
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13338 on: August 12, 2019, 10:07:18 PM »
There's a simple way to prevent over-population and world hunger.

It's called cannibalism...
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13339 on: August 12, 2019, 11:07:44 PM »
Doctors have developed a new morning-after birth control pill for men.

It alters your blood type, your name, and your phone number.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13340 on: August 13, 2019, 03:34:33 AM »
I asked my kids what they want for Christmas.

They said they want a puppy!



I usually cook a Turkey... But the choice is theirs..
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13341 on: August 13, 2019, 04:40:08 AM »
My dog bit the kid next door, so we had to put him down.


He was going to tell his parents.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13342 on: August 13, 2019, 08:10:58 AM »
Saw a bloke outside the supermarket with a cute pup on a lead.

"Cool looking dog" I said

He replied, "Yeah.... just got it for my wife"




I wish I could have got a trade like that.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13343 on: August 13, 2019, 08:23:40 AM »
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can't figure out why.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13344 on: August 13, 2019, 02:49:41 PM »
An elderly British woman was beaten to death by afro-americans on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some cheap knickers?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13345 on: August 13, 2019, 02:54:26 PM »
Banana peel is now listed under controlled substances.


It can give you bad trips.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13346 on: August 13, 2019, 07:09:07 PM »
The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids in plant growth, and is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the plan and saw it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13347 on: August 13, 2019, 07:33:11 PM »
There is a Problem with a request to put Trump's Face on Mount Rushmore.


It seems granite isn't a dense enough substance to accurately portray his head.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13348 on: August 13, 2019, 09:07:50 PM »
'Nicole' from the NBN rang me again this evening... been awhile since she last called?
Threatened again to turn off my NBN ... same crap, different bucket.

Took great pleasure in telling her to 'Go **** yourself!' once again.

Honestly, that woman must have thicker skin than a crocodile.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13349 on: August 13, 2019, 09:18:12 PM »
The story of the engaged friend:
"The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.'
Then we made passionate love all night long."


The story of the mistress friend:
"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat.
Under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."


The story of the married friend:
"When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a black mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said. 'What's for dinner Zorro?'"
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