Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823209 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13825 on:** September 07, 2019, 04:42:43 PM »

Bitterly cold and windy outside at present.

Portland 10.5°C
Feels Like 0.2°C

Local Footy grand final across the road just finished, one team beat the other, no idea who was even playing.
I guess there will be fireworks later tonight to scare my cats again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13826 on:** September 07, 2019, 04:59:18 PM »

Doctor at the fertility clinic mumbled something or other about requiring another semen sample.

I said "Come again?"

He replied "Yes please!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13827 on:** September 07, 2019, 05:03:20 PM »

A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...
He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations.
From now on I want you to call female-to-male procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures her, saying all the doctors are doing it but they're still working out standardised names.

Just then a patient walks up looking a little embarrassed.
The specialist asks her what's wrong, and she says she's been referred to him by another doctor for a procedure.
The specialist guides her to a chair and asks her for clarification.

The woman blushes and stammers "I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but I'm here for my addadictome."

NTRebel · « **Reply #13828 on:** September 07, 2019, 06:07:28 PM »

It's absolutely freezing here Kev 5-30 and it's 24.1 feels like17.7.

Bodø · « **Reply #13829 on:** September 07, 2019, 07:00:38 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 07, 2019, 04:59:18 PM

Doctor at the fertility clinic mumbled something or other about requiring another semen sample.
I said "Come again?"
He replied "Yes please!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gfCvjDkqzc

Shillas · « **Reply #13830 on:** September 07, 2019, 09:10:35 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 07, 2019, 12:49:49 PM

Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death?
It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for.

"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"

Mmmmn. I thought it was supported by the House of Windsor. Tunnels, prison cells all the same to a professional.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13831 on:** September 08, 2019, 05:11:02 AM »

If you boil a funny bone, does it becomes a laughing stock?

It's still humerus.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13832 on:** September 08, 2019, 05:13:11 AM »

It's true when Trump insists that he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and mouth that cause the crap to fly.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13833 on:** September 08, 2019, 05:15:37 AM »

Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a human child within a few minutes?

Anyways, the aquarium sacked me today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13834 on:** September 08, 2019, 05:19:00 AM »

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body.....

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
...

Shillas · « **Reply #13835 on:** September 08, 2019, 08:03:41 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 08, 2019, 05:19:00 AM

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body.....

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13836 on:** September 08, 2019, 08:35:59 AM »

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target.
So, in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have.
In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive.
But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13837 on:** September 08, 2019, 08:43:04 AM »

In the motorcycle safety course, they tell you that target fixation is bad.

Where your eyes are looking, is where you usually end up.

Might be the reason why I keep running over female joggers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13838 on:** September 08, 2019, 08:59:32 AM »

A jew on his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something from his pocket, calls his oldest son and says:
"Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the son

And then the old man continues, "This watch was with me during my whole life.
It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".

With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"

Finally, the jew with a proud look, and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy it?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13839 on:** September 08, 2019, 11:02:47 AM »

When Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, I hope she doesn't go in the water.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13840 on:** September 08, 2019, 11:07:18 AM »

At the beach on any hot summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: back stroke, front stroke, breast stroke,

... and my favourite, the heat stroke.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13841 on:** September 08, 2019, 11:16:19 AM »

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy, yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13842 on:** September 08, 2019, 12:15:10 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13843 on:** September 08, 2019, 12:52:44 PM »

I go to Youtube to watch a 3 minute music video...

Dammit! ... 2 and a half hours later I find myself watching a video on how to talk to giraffes!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13844 on:** September 08, 2019, 12:59:33 PM »

Went to a restaurant, and caught my girlfriend having dinner with some other guy.

Couldn't do a damn thing about it, 'cause my wife was with me.

winston66 · « **Reply #13845 on:** September 08, 2019, 01:13:36 PM »

In the case of the DOUBALE NEGATIVE, I disagree, there is the instance where the other party couls exclaim. DONT, DONT, PLEASE DONT STOP.

It could possibly happen sometimes.

Cheers
Winston66

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13846 on:** September 08, 2019, 01:20:01 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13847 on:** September 08, 2019, 01:50:12 PM »

A young fella fronts the recruiting office to join the Navy. "Can you swim?" the recruiter asks him.

"Why, don't you have boats?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13848 on:** September 08, 2019, 01:52:43 PM »

Only around a month before they all migrate back to the south again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13849 on:** September 08, 2019, 01:57:02 PM »

Difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women, is that men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823209 times)

Bodø