Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 758040 times)

Offline Gadget

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15350 on: December 03, 2019, 06:51:19 AM »
... proves its not a faulty program, just incompatible with Victoria.   :grin
You have to uninstall Winter first.

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Gary
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15351 on: December 03, 2019, 07:16:49 AM »
Have to survive it first :rofl
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15352 on: December 03, 2019, 09:32:01 AM »
Ladies, are you looking to get longer lashes?

Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15353 on: December 03, 2019, 09:35:52 AM »
Stephen Hawking had his first date in 10 years.

When he returned home, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15354 on: December 03, 2019, 09:44:32 AM »
The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-line poem as homework.
Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday my Dad and I went to town*

*And I got a brand new blue dressing gown.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Johnny's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When October gets cloudy and heavy rain falls,*

*I jump into puddles, water up to my ankles.*



The teacher looks perplexed. "But that's not rhyming, Johnny?

Johnny looks down and replies sadly :

"I'm sorry Teacher. Water wasn't deep enough!"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15355 on: December 03, 2019, 10:20:59 AM »
James Schiddy scored a weather reporting job on live TV.

They had him do a 10 minute current weather broadcast every hour, but the popularity ratings dropped rapidly, so he was fired.

Far too many Schiddy weather reports.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15356 on: December 03, 2019, 11:32:20 AM »
I just googled 'Trip Adviser', and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15357 on: December 03, 2019, 12:24:51 PM »
So this weird guy walks up to me on the street, and asks if I've ever seen the movie Up.
I say I have; it was ok.
He asks if I can buy him a copy, and I tell him I've never met him, so I have no reason to buy him anything.
He keeps bothering me about it, begging me to buy it for him, so I eventually just walked away.

The next day he comes up to me again, asking me to buy the movie for him. I keep avoiding him, but as the days go on, he gets
more aggressive, stalking me and threatening me. Eventually I decide that there's only one was to solve this.

I lure him into a dark alley, where he falls into a booby trap which wraps rope around his ankles and suspends him in midair.
"Please," he says "let me go. All I wanted was a copy of Up."
"No," I replied. "I'm never gonna give you Up, never gonna let you down."
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15358 on: December 03, 2019, 01:11:11 PM »
Priest - "Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell."

Alcoholic - "Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?"

Priest - "He will also go to Hell."

Alcoholic - "Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?"

Priest - "He too will go to Hell!"

Alcoholic - "In that case, I have no problem with going to Hell."
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15359 on: December 03, 2019, 01:17:46 PM »
There is a Hell in Norway and guess what?  It freezes over.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15360 on: December 03, 2019, 02:33:50 PM »
Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game.
She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “My husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “My husband is 7UP, cause he's ready 7 days a week”!

The ladies howled over this one!

The third lady said “My husband is Jack Daniels “

The other two ladies looked puzzled and said .. “Jack Daniels isn't a soda?, it's a hard liquor!”

Third lady “SO’S MY BLOODY HUSBAND!"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15361 on: December 03, 2019, 03:29:23 PM »
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15362 on: December 03, 2019, 03:37:22 PM »
What type of liquor does Santa Claus smell of?

Depends which mall you're at.
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15363 on: December 03, 2019, 03:41:40 PM »
What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognise Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognise the Pope as the head of the Church.

Baptists refuse to recognise each other while in the liquor store.
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15364 on: December 03, 2019, 03:45:39 PM »
One day, a middle aged man was walking out of a liquor store with a bottle of whiskey in each hand, carried by the neck of the bottles.

A younger man walked up to him, and without a word, placed his own hands underneath the bottles of whiskey and lifted them above the man's shoulders.

The middle aged man looked at the younger man with a puzzled expression and asked "What the hell are you doing?"

To which the younger man replied "You looked sad, man, I'm simply trying to raise your spirits!"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15365 on: December 03, 2019, 03:56:03 PM »
Comedians do not perform in liquor stores

Because you always get booze there.
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15366 on: December 03, 2019, 05:20:19 PM »
Juvenile court, prosecuting a teen accused of burglary.

"All rise", said the Judge, "Please state your name and role for the record"

"Adam James, prosecutor"

"Sarah Connoley, public defender"

"Timmy Larson, I -um- I'm the one who broke into the liquor store"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15367 on: December 03, 2019, 05:28:47 PM »
Margaret Thatcher shafted miners.

But then, so did Prince Andrew.
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15368 on: December 03, 2019, 09:30:03 PM »
Tonights Telemarketer/Scammer.

'Overseas ' displayed ...  called at 4 minutes after ten pm, and informed me ~ "If you no pay outstanding Student Loan of $3927 immediately, you will be 'arrest by Police!' Can be paying with Apple music credit card..."

Told him I will leave the light on, and the door open for the Police...
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15369 on: December 03, 2019, 10:47:03 PM »
It's illegal to water your plants in China

It causes the microphones to rust
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15370 on: December 04, 2019, 02:24:25 AM »
Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having?

They were selling a lot of tickets, until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15371 on: December 04, 2019, 05:55:32 AM »
Got a new job at the Airport.

I patrol the runways on a horse, and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15372 on: December 04, 2019, 06:17:53 AM »
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15373 on: December 04, 2019, 10:12:57 AM »
A guy picked up a brass urn, and boiled some water in it to make a cup of coffee.

After finishing his coffee, a Genie appeared from his ass and said "Hoboy!.. did you ever stuff that one up!"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15374 on: December 04, 2019, 10:17:35 AM »
An Afro was arrested for firing a starting pistol.


They believe it was race related.