Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 350868 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15575 on: December 03, 2019, 01:24:51 PM »
So this weird guy walks up to me on the street, and asks if I've ever seen the movie Up.
I say I have; it was ok.
He asks if I can buy him a copy, and I tell him I've never met him, so I have no reason to buy him anything.
He keeps bothering me about it, begging me to buy it for him, so I eventually just walked away.

The next day he comes up to me again, asking me to buy the movie for him. I keep avoiding him, but as the days go on, he gets
more aggressive, stalking me and threatening me. Eventually I decide that there's only one was to solve this.

I lure him into a dark alley, where he falls into a booby trap which wraps rope around his ankles and suspends him in midair.
"Please," he says "let me go. All I wanted was a copy of Up."
"No," I replied. "I'm never gonna give you Up, never gonna let you down."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15576 on: December 03, 2019, 02:11:11 PM »
Priest - "Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell."

Alcoholic - "Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?"

Priest - "He will also go to Hell."

Alcoholic - "Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?"

Priest - "He too will go to Hell!"

Alcoholic - "In that case, I have no problem with going to Hell."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Bodř

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15577 on: December 03, 2019, 02:17:46 PM »
There is a Hell in Norway and guess what?  It freezes over.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15578 on: December 03, 2019, 03:33:50 PM »
Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game.
She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “My husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “My husband is 7UP, cause he's ready 7 days a week”!

The ladies howled over this one!

The third lady said “My husband is Jack Daniels “

The other two ladies looked puzzled and said .. “Jack Daniels isn't a soda?, it's a hard liquor!”

Third lady “SO’S MY BLOODY HUSBAND!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15579 on: December 03, 2019, 04:29:23 PM »
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15580 on: December 03, 2019, 04:37:22 PM »
What type of liquor does Santa Claus smell of?

Depends which mall you're at.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15581 on: December 03, 2019, 04:41:40 PM »
What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognise Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognise the Pope as the head of the Church.

Baptists refuse to recognise each other while in the liquor store.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15582 on: December 03, 2019, 04:45:39 PM »
One day, a middle aged man was walking out of a liquor store with a bottle of whiskey in each hand, carried by the neck of the bottles.

A younger man walked up to him, and without a word, placed his own hands underneath the bottles of whiskey and lifted them above the man's shoulders.

The middle aged man looked at the younger man with a puzzled expression and asked "What the hell are you doing?"

To which the younger man replied "You looked sad, man, I'm simply trying to raise your spirits!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15583 on: December 03, 2019, 04:56:03 PM »
Comedians do not perform in liquor stores

Because you always get booze there.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15584 on: December 03, 2019, 06:20:19 PM »
Juvenile court, prosecuting a teen accused of burglary.

"All rise", said the Judge, "Please state your name and role for the record"

"Adam James, prosecutor"

"Sarah Connoley, public defender"

"Timmy Larson, I -um- I'm the one who broke into the liquor store"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15585 on: December 03, 2019, 06:28:47 PM »
Margaret Thatcher shafted miners.

But then, so did Prince Andrew.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15586 on: December 03, 2019, 10:30:03 PM »
Tonights Telemarketer/Scammer.

'Overseas ' displayed ...  called at 4 minutes after ten pm, and informed me ~ "If you no pay outstanding Student Loan of $3927 immediately, you will be 'arrest by Police!' Can be paying with Apple music credit card..."

Told him I will leave the light on, and the door open for the Police...
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15587 on: December 03, 2019, 11:47:03 PM »
It's illegal to water your plants in China

It causes the microphones to rust
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15588 on: December 04, 2019, 03:24:25 AM »
Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having?

They were selling a lot of tickets, until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15589 on: December 04, 2019, 06:55:32 AM »
Got a new job at the Airport.

I patrol the runways on a horse, and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15590 on: December 04, 2019, 07:17:53 AM »
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15591 on: December 04, 2019, 11:12:57 AM »
A guy picked up a brass urn, and boiled some water in it to make a cup of coffee.

After finishing his coffee, a Genie appeared from his ass and said "Hoboy!.. did you ever stuff that one up!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15592 on: December 04, 2019, 11:17:35 AM »
An Afro was arrested for firing a starting pistol.


They believe it was race related.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15593 on: December 04, 2019, 11:20:33 AM »
I missed my Ex wife twice this morning.

I have an appointment with a gunsmith to get the sights adjusted.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15594 on: December 04, 2019, 11:23:44 AM »
I call my ex wife 'Bambi'.

She thinks it's because she's cute, with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15595 on: December 04, 2019, 11:31:00 AM »
So many Christians run non-profit organisations.

On the other hand, atheists...
...only run non-prophet organisations.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15596 on: December 04, 2019, 01:20:27 PM »
DUCK, SUCKER!

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15597 on: December 04, 2019, 01:25:03 PM »
So, you wanna burn a CD? ... Use a CD burner, not the microwave you fool!

*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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Offline ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15598 on: December 04, 2019, 01:28:00 PM »
So, you wanna burn a CD? ... Use a CD burner, not the microwave you fool!



I'm thinking that may have been Pink Floyd's Another brick in the wall... :grin

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15599 on: December 04, 2019, 01:40:32 PM »
Nah mate... it was 'burning ring of fire'
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken.
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