Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5583360 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9925 on:** November 30, 2018, 08:28:50 PM »

Telemarketer rang me around 9.10 pm this evening. Overseas displayed.
Heavy accent, claimed to be from 'Microsoft'

I put the phone next to my speakers, and played the attached sound track...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9926 on:** November 30, 2018, 08:44:23 PM »

Ball tamperers lament.

Here I am in the members stand

a piece of sandpaper in my hand

from the game I have been banned

Straya! You bloody beauty!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9927 on:** November 30, 2018, 10:55:55 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9928 on:** December 01, 2018, 12:22:50 AM »

The Tobacco industry is investing millions of dollars in a new ad campaign:

"A Big Mac and Fries? ... Christ Almighty! ... that'll REALLY kill ya!"

Brock · « **Reply #9929 on:** December 01, 2018, 07:22:20 AM »

Quote

I put the phone next to my speakers, and played the attached sound track...

a sped up clip taken from the Goons Show!!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9930 on:** December 01, 2018, 09:48:23 AM »

Yep yep! ... must have confused the caller something horrific. What would an Indian know of the Goons?

I have around a dozen or so sound clips on my desktop ready to play to these callers, thank heavens they have reduced the number of calls over the past few months.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9931 on:** December 01, 2018, 10:02:26 AM »

Only a southern redneck thinks that the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are:-

"Gentlemen!, Start your Engines!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9932 on:** December 01, 2018, 02:39:10 PM »

DILEMMA. ... What to buy for my buddy for christmas?

It's a toss up between a DVD rewinder, or an inflatable dartboard?

Bodø · « **Reply #9933 on:** December 01, 2018, 02:40:16 PM »

Get him some submarine fly screens.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9934 on:** December 01, 2018, 02:43:06 PM »

Maybe an electric spoon?

Bodø · « **Reply #9935 on:** December 01, 2018, 02:59:16 PM »

Only if he's an Amish.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9936 on:** December 01, 2018, 03:46:55 PM »

There once were two little zebras who wanted to know if they were white with black stripes, or black with white stripes.
One little zebra suggested to visit the "Zebra of the Wise"
So they went went to the Zebra of the wise, and asked, "Are we black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?"
The Zebra of the wise replied " We are who we are."
One little zebra said "OK! Thank you!" and ran away. The other little zebra followed him.
The second zebra said to the other... " He didn't really answer us, so what are we?"
The first zebra said " We are white with black stripes!"
The other zebra said "how do you know that?"
He replied, " Well if we were black with white stripes, he would have said " We is wut we is."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9937 on:** December 01, 2018, 08:18:01 PM »

Buckle up, Melbourne, it's coming your way! Most looks as tho it will pass through south of Geelong, tho.

Continuous heavy thunder, lightning and rain here since 3pm today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9938 on:** December 01, 2018, 08:29:53 PM »

Microsoft have announced that Windows Vista is to be renamed "Diana".

A spokesman from Microsoft said that it was in tribute to the late Princess of Wales, and is a fitting name for a product
that will look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources, and crash spectacularly.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9939 on:** December 02, 2018, 08:11:22 AM »

Apple is still reporting record profits because iPod users are just as oblivious to the looming recession, as they are to the people standing around them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9940 on:** December 02, 2018, 08:31:04 AM »

Donald Trump can run for a second term as president, because the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served any time at all.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9941 on:** December 02, 2018, 11:18:21 AM »

The Liberals are so bad at creating jobs because they can hardly hold onto the ones that they already have!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9942 on:** December 02, 2018, 11:59:32 AM »

Woman said to her husband "I'm afraid to fill the car with gas because of that News report last night about Swine Flu virus."

He replied "That report was about the swine flu in MEXICO, not at TEXACO!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9943 on:** December 02, 2018, 03:56:28 PM »

The Kit-Kat has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...
It's a marketing ploy that robs you of chocolate!

Lemme see now, I buy about 50 Kit-Kat bars per year, and have done so for around 60 years...
... man, that's a helluva lot of chocolate that I have been short-changed!
I should go down to the factory, "Hey, you guys!... you owe me a couple of tons of letters!"