Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5823294 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13075 on: July 29, 2019, 12:17:23 AM »
Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia
Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately drop a few rubles into the good Christian beggar's hat. By the time the last Russian has gone home, the Christian's hat is overflowing with coins, and the Jew is as broke as he was at the start of the day.

The priest walks out of the church, drops a ruble into the Christian beggar's hat, and looks at the old Jew with pity. He crouches down, and asks him "Why do you put yourself through this every week? You've been sitting here every week for years, and nobody ever gives you money. You get spat on relentlessly. Won't your own people take care of you?"

The old Jew looks up at the priest and then says to the Christian beggar, "Hey Moishe, this schmuck is trying to teach us Cohen brothers about how to run our business"!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13076 on: July 29, 2019, 12:19:36 AM »
If you're struggling to know what to get someone for a present, buy them a refrigerator.


... And watch their face light up when they open it.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13077 on: July 29, 2019, 04:55:47 AM »
Just as long as you plug it in first.
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13078 on: July 29, 2019, 05:41:59 AM »
Former deputy prime minister Barnaby Joyce has broken ranks with the Morrison Government to call for an increase to the dole, as he reveals he is struggling to make ends meet on his $211,000 wage.

Awwww, poor diddums! You will NEVER understand how dole recipients and pensioners have to live on way less than one eighth of that figure!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13079 on: July 29, 2019, 06:09:14 AM »
Whats with this kopi luwak, the most expensive coffee in the world, which is made from partially digested coffee beans defecated by the Asian palm civet?


Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop, then ask for a crappuccino.
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Offline DavidP

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13080 on: July 29, 2019, 06:40:16 AM »
Mind you, it does taste like that, tried it in Indonesia, should have seen Lane's face screw up in disgust :-)  must be an acquired taste, one that I an very happy not to acquire!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13081 on: July 29, 2019, 11:22:30 AM »
Monday morning scammer entertainment.

Heavily accented guy claiming to be from the taxation department said that if I hung up the phone before hearing him out, an arrest warrant would be issued immediately.

I never said a word, I hung up.

Did a reverse number lookup and according to Telstra, the number has not been allocated.

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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13082 on: July 29, 2019, 11:44:47 AM »
Whats with this kopi luwak, the most expensive coffee in the world, which is made from partially digested coffee beans defecated by the Asian palm civet?


Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop, then ask for a crappuccino.

Well it was the most crap cup of coffee I'd ever had  :rofl



Mind you, I thought not too bad. I brought some home for me and my coffee addict son.

Shillas :13Candy

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alans1100

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13083 on: July 29, 2019, 12:17:52 PM »


Did a reverse number lookup and according to Telstra, the number has not been allocated.
:law CIA are watching you -  :think1 just don't go swimming or you might not be seen again
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13084 on: July 29, 2019, 12:56:57 PM »
I've had two calls today, one being listed as from Saint Kitts and Nevis.
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13085 on: July 29, 2019, 04:09:16 PM »
Australians do not have the 'right' to bear arms, but then again, we don't have mass school shootings by teenagers, either.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13086 on: July 29, 2019, 05:57:58 PM »
“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown.

“Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” said he, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13087 on: July 30, 2019, 02:04:09 AM »
An English soldier has returned from the frontline.
As the soldier gets on the train to London, he is very tired. He looks around for a free seat.
He spots a women and her dog. "Excuse me, ma'am. May I have that seat? I am ever so tired."
The women snorted, "You soldiers are very ignorant. My dog is more precious than your life."
The soldier frowns then walks off, looking for another seat.

After a while, he returns to the women. He begs for the seat but the women still refuses.
He gets frustrated, picks up the dog and throws her out the train window.
Another passenger witnessed this. He walks over. "Blimey, you are a special kind of stupid!."
The soldier asks, "How am I stupid?"
"You threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13088 on: July 30, 2019, 02:09:30 AM »
It’s a small town and not much happens most days, so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story. But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs. He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it out.

The reporter pulls up and finds the farmer working on the fence, so he strolls over and says, “I understand you had a little accident the other day and lost some livestock, is that right?”

The farmer, who seems reluctant to talk, just nods.

“We heard it was 2,003 pigs. Is that right?”

The farmer frowns a bit and nods again.

“That seems incredible. Are you really sure it was *2,003* pigs?”

The farmer starts to look really upset but again just nods his head.

“Well, my editor wanted me to check it out, because 2,003 pigs just seems like a lot and…”

At this point the farmer, now red faced and steaming, shouts, “Yeth, yeth! Two thows and three pigth! Now leave me alone, arth hole!”
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13089 on: July 30, 2019, 05:00:15 AM »
So he wasn't telling porkies?
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13090 on: July 30, 2019, 06:41:10 AM »
 :thumb :crackup
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13091 on: July 30, 2019, 06:46:45 AM »
Or should I have said porkieth ?
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13092 on: July 30, 2019, 06:50:39 AM »
Thoundth good to me.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13093 on: July 30, 2019, 06:51:31 AM »
A shepherd has 20 white sheep and 3 black ones.
A guy nearby comes to talk to him.

"What do your sheep do all day?"

"Well, usually the white ones search for good grass to eat."

"And the black ones?"

"They usually also spend time searching for good grass."

"How many times a year do you shear them?"

"I usually shear the white ones 3 to 4 times a year"

"What about the black ones?"

"About 3 or 4 times every year."

The guy frowns. "Why do you distinguish between the two kinds if the answer is the same?"

"Well, the white ones are mine."

"And the others?"

"They're mine too!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13094 on: July 30, 2019, 07:22:02 AM »
Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...

Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13095 on: July 30, 2019, 07:31:24 AM »
After seeing so many crazy drivers and wrecked cars on Russian dash cams, I feel that the best idea for Russian car builders is to build their vehicles from plastic.

This would prevent them from being magnetically attracted towards each other.

It would probably also help if they didn't pass out free drivers permits with each vodka purchase.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13096 on: July 30, 2019, 07:32:41 AM »
Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...
Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

People were much more chilled in the ice age.
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13097 on: July 30, 2019, 10:20:52 AM »


Date & Time 2019-07-30 09:50:00
Location 1 Southern Right Whale moving towards Hanlon Parade from Dutton Way
Type of Whale Southern Right Whale
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13098 on: July 30, 2019, 01:05:30 PM »
Another blast from the past...

Wednesday morning parade on the 2 Sig Regt parade ground at Watsonia Barracks, 1977, just a couple of weeks before the Queens Jubilee visit to Australia.

At the time, some members of the Military Band were visiting the barracks, temporarily housed in the School of Signals barracks just a short distance away from the Parade ground.



.... As we commenced our march onto the Parade ground, a Bugler housed at Simpson Barracks commenced playing the 'F Troop' Theme.

... which just happens to match perfectly with the 15 pace fwd march, stop, and come to attention.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13099 on: July 30, 2019, 01:18:09 PM »
There's a sexy new teacher at school
In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Little Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:

'Out!'

Little Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'
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