Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865096 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7026 on:** March 30, 2018, 03:43:30 PM »

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two blankets and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a blanket to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

"What’s the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that’s the profit I made from selling the blankets."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7027 on:** March 30, 2018, 03:52:21 PM »

Q. Will health care be any different in ten years time?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7028 on:** March 30, 2018, 07:56:10 PM »

Deep thoughts...

How much deeper the ocean would be if there were no sponges?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7029 on:** March 31, 2018, 04:57:09 AM »

My ex used to complain that I never listened to what she said

... or something like that.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7030 on:** March 31, 2018, 05:03:14 AM »

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball 270 metres straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner.

Wild Rose · « **Reply #7031 on:** March 31, 2018, 05:10:34 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 31, 2018, 05:03:14 AM

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers

.

Bodø Glimt · « **Reply #7032 on:** March 31, 2018, 06:18:04 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 31, 2018, 04:57:09 AM

My ex used to complain that I never listened to what she said
... or something like that.

My wife said to me "you weren't listening" and I thought that was a pretty weird way to start a conversation.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7033 on:** March 31, 2018, 01:45:33 PM »

Two women were shopping, when they started to discuss their home lives.

One said, "Seems like all that Alfred and I do anymore, is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied,

"I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7034 on:** March 31, 2018, 01:48:45 PM »

Top Sign You've Bought a Lemon of a Car

When you approach hitch hikers, they give you a thumbs down.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7035 on:** March 31, 2018, 03:47:20 PM »

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, but not much stove pipe."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7036 on:** March 31, 2018, 04:10:02 PM »

Little Johnny stared at his test paper.

The big red "F" stared back at him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied,

"No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

Bodø Glimt · « **Reply #7037 on:** March 31, 2018, 07:50:29 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 28, 2018, 12:47:41 PM

You know it's a bad day when your horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

Sorry Kev, I had to pick you up on this.

https://www.facebook.com/OfficialQI/videos/1499768383465658/

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7038 on:** March 31, 2018, 08:57:13 PM »

I didn't write it, just stolen 'as is' from the web

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7039 on:** April 01, 2018, 01:03:31 AM »

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"See if pulling on the tongue helps?" offers the clerk.

He replied "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7040 on:** April 01, 2018, 03:53:42 AM »

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang.'"

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this ... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.

More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The enemy keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.

He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The enemy keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says ...

"Tankety Tank Tank."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7041 on:** April 01, 2018, 07:46:43 AM »

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.

Couldn't pick a worse time for a guy to get those odds?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7042 on:** April 01, 2018, 07:48:43 AM »

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

"I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

The little guy smiled at her,

"I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

Bodø Glimt · « **Reply #7043 on:** April 01, 2018, 07:58:44 AM »

Thank god for being able to google stuff, as I had never heard the idiom "climb the walls" before.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7044 on:** April 01, 2018, 08:49:20 AM »

See, education through humour, Bodo

Bodø Glimt · « **Reply #7045 on:** April 01, 2018, 10:03:18 AM »

Gone are the days you had to wait for a library to open and research stuff.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7046 on:** April 01, 2018, 11:51:31 AM »

During a children's sermon, the Reverand asked the children what "Amen" means.

A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7047 on:** April 01, 2018, 11:54:08 AM »

Speaking of libraries, there was a guy who asked the librarian: "Where's the self-help section?"

.... and wondered why he was ignored?

Bodø Glimt · « **Reply #7048 on:** April 01, 2018, 11:55:39 AM »

Should have grabbed an encyclopedia and just walked out with it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #7049 on:** April 01, 2018, 01:13:04 PM »

A thug and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.

"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thug said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window.

"What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the thug said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.

"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"C'mon, darlin', get real!" the thug moaned. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865096 times)

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