Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5579218 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9475 on: October 10, 2018, 03:12:36 AM »
Husband and wife were in the divorce court.
The Magistrate said "You have three children... how will you divide them?"
The parents had a discussion, and the wife said "Ok Your Honor, we will stay together and return when we have another child"


Nine months later, she had twins.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9476 on: October 10, 2018, 03:19:44 AM »
A guy was collating a survey on leisure time activities.
One woman filled out the survey as follows:

"My Husbands hobbies are gardening and golf.
When he's not playing in the dirt, he's playing in the sand."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9477 on: October 10, 2018, 03:23:55 AM »
A woman snuggled up to her hubby and said "Whisper dirty things to me!"


"Dishes, bathroom, livingroom carpet ....."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9478 on: October 10, 2018, 03:28:24 AM »
A Blonde walked up behind her husband who was seated on the couch, and started shaking him violently.

He turned to her and queried "What the hell are you doing?"

She replied "I've got your cough medicine here, and it says on the label 'Shake vigorously before taking!' "
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9479 on: October 10, 2018, 03:30:38 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9480 on: October 10, 2018, 05:41:23 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9481 on: October 10, 2018, 09:09:29 PM »
Cop pulled a motorist over for a minor offence.

Indignant driver said "What?... you got a quota or sumpin?"

"Yup!, we have a quota.... Two more tickets today, and my wife gets a toaster oven."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9482 on: October 10, 2018, 09:17:10 PM »
Two accountants are at the credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What's that?"
Accountant number one replies, "It's the $50 I borrowed from you last week."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9483 on: October 11, 2018, 02:04:04 AM »
Why do Chihuahuas' bite your ankle?

Because the little b*stards are too short to reach any higher!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9484 on: October 11, 2018, 07:58:53 PM »
A person who assists a criminal in breaking the law is called his accomplice.
The person who assists a criminal after he is arrested is called his defense lawyer.

Most lawyers enter politics and rise through the ranks, depending on the quality of their lies.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9485 on: October 11, 2018, 10:38:21 PM »
Who was the guy who discovered that we could get milk from cows,
and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9486 on: October 11, 2018, 10:42:38 PM »
Does this daylight saving lark means that we get an extra hour of rain?
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9487 on: October 11, 2018, 10:44:54 PM »
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: Can I suggest a shoebox?

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9488 on: October 11, 2018, 10:46:04 PM »
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem that way.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9489 on: October 11, 2018, 10:47:47 PM »
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find yourself a couple of hot women!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9490 on: October 11, 2018, 10:58:10 PM »
A Delta Airlines flight was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructs the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asks one of the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," The stewardess replies, "... Except for three lawyers still walking the aisle passing out business cards."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9491 on: October 12, 2018, 01:30:30 AM »
Another blast from the past.

Circa late 70's. 
2 sig Regt had been deployed to Meekatharra in W.A. for Exercise 'West Address', and had been in the field there for several weeks.

On our return to Melbourne we resumed normal duties for around 3 weeks, preparing for Exercise 'Truppenampt' at Turangi, just south of Lake Taupo, New Zealand.
We flew via a C-130 Hercules aircraft from Laverton to NZ, cannot remember the airfield name, was somewhere near Mt Taranaki, as we could see it in the distance. From there it was a bus trip to Waiouru army base for two days before we were deployed into the field in multiple units to provide communications between Waiouru and Aukland, a distance of around 300 Km.
We were privileged to assist the Kiwis with this exercise, as the purpose was to get the 'shiney bums' out of their offices and into the field, we were just there to provide communications.
Having just had several weeks of rationed meals in Western Australia, we were not overly impressed with joining 'slop lines' for food which was dished from the side of a mobile kitchen installed in a semi trailer, so we spoke to a local farmer who lived on a property adjacent to the exercise area, and inquired if we could buy a sheep from him. He accepted our offer, and said that he would tie a rope to a suitable sheep, and tether it to the fence for our collection. All he requested in return was the cost of the animal, (Which was minimal) and said to just dump the remains of the carcass over the fence, and he would dispose of it later. One of our Techies, (Jimmy) was a qualified butcher, before he joined the military.

Jimmy slaughtered the animal the next day, and filled several eskys with the meat. That evening, as all the Kiwi troopies were plodding in line to collect their sloppy stew from the grub truck, we Aussies were seated around a makeshift BBQ 30 metres away and cooking delicious chops etc, while the smell drifted past the other guys. Almost caused a riot. :hatwave

Edited: At that time, a jug of beer in Aus cost a little over $5 ... in New Zealand, it was only 65 cents... Lots of cheap drunks on our nights off  :grin





« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 01:37:53 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9492 on: October 12, 2018, 01:44:09 AM »
Doctor: I have some bad news, and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have less than a week to live.

Patient: Less than a WEEK! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to contact you for the past four days!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9493 on: October 12, 2018, 01:48:15 AM »
My mate calls his wife, 'Treasure'

She is really stoked that he calls her that.

He confided in me... "I always call her Treasure, as she reminds me of something that's just been dug up."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9494 on: October 12, 2018, 01:58:49 AM »
I went to a small guest house to book in.

The manager asked, "You want a room with running water?"

I replied, "What do you think I am? ... A bloody salmon?"

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9495 on: October 12, 2018, 02:01:22 AM »
I saw four men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.

My neighbour said "Are you going to help?"

I said "Nah!, four should be enough."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9496 on: October 12, 2018, 02:16:53 AM »
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 kph in a 50 kph zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 40.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light?
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud woman, will you just shut your freaking mouth?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband always talk to you this way?"
Wife says, "No officer, ... only when he's drunk."


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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9497 on: October 12, 2018, 08:20:22 AM »
Did you know that a belly laugh is, physiologically, the same as 20 minutes of yoga?
So when my friend George fell over and hit his head on the ironing board, I lost 2 kilos.
And giggling uncontrollably for five minutes is as good as running on a treadmill for half an hour.

The Government are always telling us we've got to eat at least five fruit or veg a day or we will die.
Isn't it time we had a daily laughter allowance?
I would recommend at least five smiles a day and two giggles if one is to maintain a healthy outlook on life.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9498 on: October 12, 2018, 08:46:29 AM »
I was reading a label on a packet of chocolate biscuits-- I've always liked them, and I was curious to see if it was healthy to eat them.
Everything looked pretty good, the fat content and everything. So, I'm thinking  'Yeah!.. I can eat these!'
I looked at the serving size: two biscuits.
Who the hell eats two choccy biscuits?
Two packets is a serving size!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #9499 on: October 12, 2018, 11:16:58 AM »
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.
He stomped on the hump several times to flatten it.
As he was packing up to leave, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find where my pet guinea pig is hiding?"

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